Nikki

Nikki was my best friends daughter. She was my step-daughter's half sister. Nikki or Sara to some was an amazing person. Her kindness unsurpassed by anyone I know. As it has been said before she had a kind word for everyone even if they didn't have one for her. I met Nikki just a few short years before she died. A true kind spirit she always greeted me with a smile. She loved my more eclectic clothing, in fact some of my favorite photographs of Nik are in some of her clothing. She was a smoker as was I back then, I have a picture of her smoking and while some may view it as taboo it is the only one I can say I Love, because I feel that it is a true memory for me. I can still see her sitting on that front step, smoking her cigarettes, I can see her on the computer typing away to her friends, I remember her random IM messages and her ever changing screen names that always had me freaked out at first wondering who this person was that knew so much about me lol, it was like jumping out to scare someone but on the computer. :)

I remember the night we found out that she was no longer with us, though she had been gone for twenty four hours or so at that point. We had just arrived at the hotel after the Dayton 500. We were exiting the car, we paid some random person to drive us back because our cab driver was no where to be found. Andy answered the phone, the tone in his voice told me something was wrong. I ran to the hotel room, threw our sandwiches on the bed and open the laptop I kept refreshing myspace hoping and praying it would say she was online, I kept waiting for her to be there online for it not to be true, I tried to get my husband to let me drive back that night, I didn't know what to do, My heart broke for not only myself, but for my child and her mother. How could this have happen? This can't be real. I alternated between disbelief and shock and hysteria. How Why and How could you God? were all going through my mind, I never ate the sandwich. My husbands coworker drove my car back and the company allowed me to ride in the plane back to GA. I will never forget that plane ride, the fake smiles the forced conversation and attempts to get each others mind off the thoughts that wouldn't stop coming. Thank goodness for the rough air at least giving us some nausea to think about. It seemed like the flight took forever. The only flight I think I have not enjoyed with my husband. I just wanted to be there. Not that there was a thing I could do All the good intentions in the world couldn't bring her back to us. I still feel guilty to this day for having fun that evening when she was no longer here to do so.


Notes:
Nikki's mother published a journal from the year after Nikki's death, the book is titled Mom is 23 old? by L.S. Rockel.